I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
