dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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