dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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