My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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