the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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