Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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