I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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