did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
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And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
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let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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