you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
