the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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