What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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