mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
