The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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