yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
