I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
