One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
