Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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