why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
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P.S. I can't hear my feet
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
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I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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