Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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