she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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