Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
