My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
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Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
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I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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