last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Randomize
