Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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