Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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