He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
