my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
