So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
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Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
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"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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