if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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