I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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