Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
