Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.