the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
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I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
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Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.