I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"