Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
