I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
