I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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