theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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