your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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