it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
