My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
