mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
