It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
