Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
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Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
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Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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