my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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