why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
