i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
