he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
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It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
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Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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