I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
