i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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