Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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