I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
