I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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