This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
