I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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