im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
