shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It's just like the Real World with babies
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
