god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
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I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
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When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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