allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.