Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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