you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
